Sleep 2

So, I shouln't have crowed so quickly with delight after one success. That was the only success with that method. That gimmick included waiting outside of the sleeper's room, watching until the first signs of early waking, dashing in, nursing/soothing the child back to sleep before she woke up. This is not the solution I needed. I needed something that didn't require me to re-sleep her half way through each nap.

The good thing about that original dud was the idea of lurking outside the room right around the time of the early nap awakening. I used that strategy to see that Eloise was startling herself awake. She looks like I might look when I have falling dreams. This triggered me to remember that the nap strike began around when I decided she was too wiggly to swaddle any more. So, I've resumed a semi-swaddle technique that seems to make her feel safe and keep her from startling. Longer naps have been the joyful result.

Sleep

the simple entity I have enjoyed for so many years without giving it much thought has now become a prize to be pursued. I knew that it would because I've watched other parents wrestle with how to provide this gift to their children and to themselves. That's what it has become for me. A needed gift that I want to give my little girl. When her dark eyelashes close delicately on her porcelain chubby cheeks I feel the same satisfaction as when I hear her rhythmic gulping at my breast. I am providing her with the means to her brain growth, cell growth,and emotional well-being when I provide her with sleep.

The various books, the websites, the questioning of friends and doctor are all worth the effort if I gain a nugget that leads to sleep for Eloise. The problem with all of that information gathering is that, as with all things "baby", the study of sleep is rife with opinions at odds with each other, at odds with my specific child's behavior.

But today there was a breakthrough. For some reason about 3 weeks ago, my little darling decided to go on a nap strike. That's right. No signs, no memo to announce the radical change, just one day she slept for only 45 minutes instead of the usual 3 hours during her morning nap time. Not only did this throw off all the other naps of the day it disturbed my heretofore gentle grinning baby. Since that day, she hasn't slept for more than one hour at any of her nap times unless I decide to wear her in the carrier for her entire nap time. I have done this many days because after a 45 minute nap, she was waking up yawning, nervous, unwilling to play on her own, and much more clingy. I was sad. I wanted to read her Sandra Boynton books instead of trying to convince her not to cry.

But, as I said before, today there was a breakthrough. I read one of my books and it had a suggestion for my exact situation. I performed the suggestion, albeit skeptically. It worked. She slept 3 hours again. I had to keep checking on her to make sure she was ok. But what a relief. The reward for all that sleep? A cheerful enormous smile when she eased back into waking.

Esther

Esther was alive for 16 years. and some might say that's it, it's over. But as her family posted this morning, "We are convinced she is more truly alive than ever but still our hearts are breaking... " They also wrote, "now she belongs to the heavens." I believe and I think they would agree that she has always belonged to the heavens ever since the Creator imagined her to life. As we all belong to the heavens.

Right now I'm very grateful for my little Eloise so that I can feel more deeply the agony the loss of my cousin's daughter.

I feel the 12 pounds of solid aliveness as I hold Eloise and listen to her grunts and squeaks. When I laid her down to her nap just now I imagined how it would be to lay her down only one last time, her peaceful face a farewell visage. It breaks me. The hopes Esther's family had, the joy they had in her quirky spunky self. Esther steered our boat once, half of her life ago, before the cancer. She hopped right up to the steering wheel and took a turn, no worries about how her efforts would turn out, just a curiosity and excitement to try her hand at a new thing.

She has many new things waiting for her in eternity.

Here are her feelings from a couple of weeks ago:
http://www.youtube.com/user/cookie4monster4#p/u/4/fa3XHeMtY3s

growing

Eloise is now 11 lb. 4 oz. only 5 weeks after she arrived at 9 lbs. She still feels quite tiny!
Recent joys have been:
Eye contact
smiling games
dimply hands
and much much more.

Next Chapter

Eloise arrived 3 weeks ago. All 9 pounds of her.
I started reading 9 months ago in preparation for coming and realize now that I could never have prepared completely. But, I swung through books as a child on monkey bars swings from one crossbar to the next. The Girlfriend's guide to Pregnancy was superceded by Dr. Sears' "The Pregnancy Book". Next came "Childbirth without Fear" which was in turn left behind for Dr. Sears' "The Birth Book". Thrown into the mix were the pamphlets from the medical world and google searches when nothing else answered my questions.

Now I've swung on and "The Nursing Mother's Companion" truly has been just that. The ubiquitous Dr. Sears and his "The Baby Book" is just coming in to view and sits on the coffee table, right now open to Chapter 1. Many of the books along my journey have raised concerns, caused anxiety, reduced anxiety, comforted me, puzzled me, or lead me to further inquiry.

But most delightful of all the books I've read, all the resources I've gone through along this ride, is Eloise herself. I never guessed that learning to read my daughter would be the most important joy of all. She has already taught me how to read her hunger signs, her happy sounds, her upset sounds. She has already in her short life caused anxiety one moment and then comforted me in the next. She certainly requires further inquiry for many more years.

Baby Eve

No, that's not the baby's name. That's just what day it is, or feels like. Today, the official due date, has only two more hours in it but there are no indications of imminent labor. Which is just fine because I feel pretty nervous about the whole thing.
Feels like a gale is brewing and we've done all the battening of hatches and reading of storm guides. All that's left is to see what it's really like in real life. I know we can't put it off forever but one more quiet walk with Brian around the Santa Cruz harbor, one more day of just deciding what I felt like doing when I wanted to, restful and pleasant, without factoring in the needs of a little one, made me grateful.

And just like all the gales we've been through on our sturdy ship, Nomad, this gale of labor and adjusting to a new life as 3 will soon be a part of our shared story, part of who we are and who we're becoming.

4 more weeks

In the last two months I've gained 15 pounds, (and no, I still don't think it's very kind for people to tell me how large I'm getting), checked off a long term goal of visiting Victoria Canada's Butchart Gardens with my mom and sister, finished my semester teaching at Bethany, met my new nephew Elijah (born a week ago), continued my very helpful prenatal yoga classes, planted a veggie garden, and made a long list of things I want to accomplish before the baby gets here.

More than ever pregnancy is reminding me of the cruising life. The unknown and the uncontrollability is difficult to accept. I want my labor and birth to go a certain way, but I can't make things happen. Just like picking the 'perfect" anchorage based on books written a few years ago. Many times, tired and ready to rest, we'd pull in just before sunset, looking forward to stillness and the ability to relax, only to discover a rolly anchorage, untenable anchoring conditions, or onshore winds. We would have to leave, or if it was too late, we'd have to keep anxious night watch.

Many times I wondered about my ability to handle what the sea or the weather might hand us. Similarly, I've wondered many times whether I'll be able to meet the demands of motherhood. On the sea, we took each moment as it came, reefed down if we expected poor weather, slept and prepared food when we could so we'd be prepared for times we couldn't sleep or eat easily. I suppose we'll do the same as we set sail into the sea of parenthood. We'll have family around us that love us and support us, and more books than we could ever read on the various subjects of child rearing. So, I'm practicing not being anxious about the unpredictable unknown future.